(Warning: This blog contains graphic language, but I can’t help it, this shit pisses me off)
If you’ve read my other blogs, you know that I’m a borderline A.D.D/O.C.D/germaphobe with multiple personalities (reppin’ the Gemini’s in the house). These are facts. Here are some more facts born out of the above: I have serious qualms about many things that go down at a poker table. Things that distract, annoy, and upset me. I’ll even go as far as saying sometimes they can throw me off my game. Here are my Top 5 Pet Peeves…
#1: WEIRD CARD PROTECTORS/EXCESSIVELY LARGE/STRANGE GOOD LUCK CHARM
Look at the size of this thing!! What is that, a glass…dinosaur??
It looks like something you play with in your “alone time.”
OK not sure if those are empty rounds but they’re pointed at me and they’re making me very nervous. The only bullets I want to see at the table are pocket aces.
And look at this tchotchke menagerie…
Some people have 2 token good luck charms:
This guy has the Smurf Family on his side!
Save ‘em for your credenza, not the poker table.
Last but not least, the turtle/beer-opener/card protector…at least if I order a beer, I’ve got this guy on my left:
And yeah, the blue arrow pointing to the R2D2 on top of my victorious stack?
That’s MY good luck charm…but it’s a Star Wars action figure, they have TOTAL immunity from berating blogs. I have The Force on my side. Forget you’ve seen this pic, this is the not droid you’re looking for…
#2: PEOPLE PLAYING POKER WHILE PLAYING/ WATCHING OTHER GAMES AT THE TABLE
The grass is greener on their iPad or phone playing Candy Crush or watching a soccer match. It’s not enough that they’re playing poker, no, they have to play more poker on their phones like some sort of weird multi-tabling but not really multi-tabling because it’s only one additional table. That’s just lame and annoying to me so stop doing it.
#3: PEOPLE WHO LACK MANNERS/PERSONAL HYGIENE
There are no pictures for this category, because, REALLY who wants to see this here or at the friggin’ table? This person comes in many forms or shall I say smells…
- Their meal, burps, or worse…
#4: PEOPLE WHO EAT AT THE TABLE
This should be a crime, penalized by the floor…
Notice there is a reoccurring theme here, which leads me to le pièce de résistance…the reason I physically shiver when I see people eating finger foods at the table…
#5: DICK CHIPS ARE REAL
Dick chips (noun, dubbed by some poker player on Twitter, hit me up if it’s you): the widespread coincidence that occurs when a male has the burning desire to relieve himself but, at the same time, suffers from POKER FOMO — the fear of missing out on a hand if he takes the time to walk to the bathroom to urinate. This phenomenon creates an urgency never-before-seen in the male species where he makes a mad rush to the urinal, pees, and then skips the last step of the process, the act of not sanitizing ones’ hands by washing them. He then rushes back to the table and touches his chips, henceforth called Dick Chips.
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